Reviews, Commentary and Opinions on Midwest Craft Beer and Microbreweries


Beer Reviews

Stella Artois

Anheuser-Busch InBev

Style: Lager

Eddie’s Rating:
one beerone beerone beerone beerone beer   (Not good.)

Being a Beer Dork is kind of like being the president of the United States. It’s a thankless job and the governor of Arizona hates your guts. It’s got some perks, though (being a Beer Dork—not president). We Beer Dorks get to drink a lot of really good, locally brewed beer. Children are scared of us, while squirrels, strangely, are not. We’ve got HUGE beer fridges. And ZERO social engagements. Life, now that I think about it, can—at times—be OK.

Tonight is not one of those times.

I’m reviewing one of the more common imported beers you’ll run across in America: Stella Artois. I’m sure you’ve been in a tavern, perhaps one a tad out of your comfort zone, where the beer selection is a little thin, and spied the Stella Artois logo on a tap handle. You’ve probably even thought to yourself, “Hey, it’s from Belgium, so how bad can it be?” I’m here tonight to tell you just how fucking bad.

It pours a crystal clear, pale yellow with a thin white foam that dissipates but quick. It does, however, leave a little lacing on the glass. The aroma—what there is of it—is very light, sweet maltiness with tiny nibs of indistinct hops in the far background.

Carbonation is Stella’s main flavor component, as the body is barely there and the malt completely buried under stinging bubbles. The finish is (mercifully) short and crisp thanks to lots of water and some musty, surprisingly harsh hops (or maybe that’s crappy malt—hard to tell). Even though this one is on tap it tastes and smells kind of stale. I shudder to think what this would taste like in a bottle that’s been sitting on the shelf for three months.

Like I said, you may be tempted to order this one up out of necessity, but here is my advice: stick to the PBR.

[Funny side note: Some English performer named Adele Adkins put on her tour rider (I think she’s in the rodeo or circus or something similar) that “North American beer is NOT acceptable” and required “best quality European lager beer. i.e. Becks, Stella Artois, Peroni, etc.” This woman REALLY needs to get out more.]

And now all of you owe me a good American-made craft beer for taking one for the team and choking down this tasteless crap.

Reviewed by Eddie Glick on February 29, 2012.
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