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Founders Brewing Co.
Grand Rapids, MI

Style: Porter

Eddie’s Rating:
one beerone beerone beerone beerone beer   (World class.)

There are only two situations in which a person should use the adjective “sexy”: when referring to a person, or what a person is doing. That’s it. Cellphones aren’t sexy. Animals aren’t sexy. Ideas aren’t sexy. Computers, boats, logos, constellations, welcome mats, cars, muscle spasms, lipstick, stereo speakers (even the dildo-shaped ones), farts, canoes, lollipops, pope hats, Family Guy, money, the color blue, soft serve ice cream, using “Really?” in your blog/article/script/email/thoughts/prayers, baseball, transmigration, “green” anything, Sarah Jessica Parker, and any fucking song ever written even if it’s sung by Barry White aren’t sexy.

And then there’s beer.

Even though I love good craft beer, it’s not sexy. Although no one will argue with me that a truly great beer can be better than sex, beer, no matter how great—or bad— tasting, has never made me think of sex. I’ve never finished an incredible craft beer and thought, “That was like Rita Hayworth when she came out in that little ship captain suit in The Lady from Shanghai.” No. I usually think something along the lines of, “That was the greatest goddamn thing I’ve ever tasted, and it got me buzzed.”

But “sexy” is how the genii at Founders describe their new Porter: dark, rich, and sexy, seemingly like the classicly beautiful, darkly garbed woman in the painting on the bottle’s label. Two out of three ain’t bad, though.

Founders Porter pours thick, not as ooze-like as used motor oil, but instead brand new, sleak motor oil. The head is a dark tan, and concrete-thick. Malt radiates off the top with powerful dark chocolate and roasted malt aromas. A super-smooth, metal-heavy sip reveals restrained carbonation that quickly gets out of the way for one thing: malt. Rich, heavy chocolaty sweetness dominates the front, then suddenly dries out in the middle to let some of the roasted malt notes come through. The malt rises up quickly again for a finish that’s rich, gooey, and long, long, long.

Beers can’t be sexy—and porters, doubly so—but they certainly can be decadent, and that is exactly what this brew is. Despite a relatively sane ABV (6.5 percent), all that thick, glorious, roasted, chocolaty malt makes me feel a little naughty finishing the pint glass, especially it being a school night and all. Yes, decadent and delicious, a perfect dessert brew if there ever was one. There’s just one problem. No one in their right fucking mind would ever call this a porter. This thing makes most stouts seem watery and tasteless. And you know what? Bless those Founders folk for listening to the referee and then immediately and very matter-of-factly kicking him square in the peapods. Again.

Reviewed by Eddie Glick on March 31, 2009.
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