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Beer On Ice

How frickin’ awesome was the Canadian women’s hockey team’s beer-drinkin’, cigar-chompin’, on-ice gold medal celebration?
by Eddie Glick

I like my beer like my women: pale, strong, full-bodied, and extremely bitter.
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The International Olympic Committee has their undies in a severe bunch because the Canadian women’s hockey team drank beer and smoked cigars on the ice rink after winning a gold medal. The IOC announced they were going to launch an investigation into the actions of the Olympians involved. This from the same gaggle of dumbasses who, after a Georgian athlete fucking died on an overwrought luge track didn’t feel the need to announce even an examination, let alone an investigation.

Before we go any further, I’d just like to make it clear that I think the Canadian women’s post-gold celebration is the coolest thing to happen at the Olympics this side of the Miracle On Ice in 1980 and Jesse Owens sticking it to Hitler in ’36.

This is the coolest thing to happen at the Olympics this side of the Miracle On Ice in 1980 and Jesse Owens sticking it to Hitler in ’36.

Admittedly I was not at this “Beer On Ice” celebration (I’m boycotting attending the Olympics until cricket is added as a medal sport), but if you read any of the more in-depth news stories covering the celebration, it wasn’t like as soon as they won the players broke out the booze and stogies and started running amok on the ice. They were actually celebrating in the locker room, and several photographers asked if they could take it out onto the rink for some pictures. And, besides, there wasn’t a drunken brawl, no rapes were attempted, and nobody tried to write her name in the ice. In fact, about the worst thing they did was climb onto the zamboni and honk the horn (and, no, “let’s go to my place and honk the zamboni” is not yet a sexual innuendo although it damn well should be).

So apparently it’s just so unbecoming to see women smoking cigars, drinking beer, and generally just acting goofy in front of the world that the shitheads in the IOC are frothing at the mouth. Me, I’m just glad to see the hockey team was actually celebrating with beer instead of only nasty-ass champagne.

(Interesting side note: although there was champagne present at the ice party, a lot of what looks like champagne in the dozens of pictures documenting the event is actually beer: Molson produced champagne-sized bottles of Canadian just for Olympic celebrations.)

Some of them were drinking Coors Light, one of the shittiest beers on the planet, and an American brand at that.

Although Molson Canadian is watery crap, at least the women drinking it were being patriotic. But a couple of these Canadian women were drinking Coors Light, one of the shittiest beers on the planet, and an American brand at that. The least they could have done is drink a Canadian beer after winning an Olympic medal in the name of Canada! (And, yes, I am well aware that Molson and Coors are one and the same company. But making that argument is equivalent to walking into a bar, asking for an American beer, and being OK with getting handed a Stella Artois, because, you know, ABInBev owns the brand.)

So I guess I am actually a little offended. And speaking of being offended, let’s talk about the choice of beer styles to go with those cigars. A light lager with a giant-ass stogie? Ladies, please. (If you’re offended by my use of the word “ladies,” click here to rectify.) I don’t even smoke, but I at least know you need a big, malty beer to stand up to even the wussiest of cigars. And if you are going to drink American beer anyway, I am fairly confident you can get Alaskan Smoked Porter in Vancouver. But it’s not like you didn’t know you were going to win the Olympic medal in women’s hockey, so you could have had shipped in beforehand some Bell’s Expedition Stout, Surly Darkness, Great Lakes Blackout Stout, even some Hoppin’ Frog B.O.R.I.S. The Crusher. At the very least you could have been drinking some Unibroue Terriblé which, being a dark, strong, Belgian-style ale, would have been as bubbly as the champagne and maybe big enought to stand up to the cigars (although Unibroue is in Quebec, so I’m not sure that counts as Canadian).

But I’m not going to complain too much. It’s just good to see some beer involved in something pretty damn cool—and women drinking it in the media outside of puerile TV ads. Here’s to seeing more (and, hopefully, better) beer and zamboni-honking in more Olympic gold medal celebrations. Like ice dancing.