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December 30, 2009
Beer Diary:
This Is Not A List Of The Year’s Most Interesting Beer Stories
Definitely, positively, swear-on-grannie’s-grave not such a list.by Eddie Glick
So, another year has passed us by. We’re all that much closer to death. Yeah, thoughts like that make you wanna ponder the last 365 days, wonder where the time went, and hatch plots to make promises about next year that nobody in their right mind would intend to keep. And it also, for some reason, makes people think about lists. Not to-do lists, but lists of the best of this and the worst of that and the weirdest of those. Although I like lists as much as the next person—probably a little more, to be honest—I’m not a big end-of-the-year list guy. Maybe when we start getting some five-eights-of-the-year lists popping will I start getting into year-end lists, but until them, I’m officially against ‘em.
That being said, I’d like to point out that what follows is not a list, mind you. It’s just a random, um, group of sentences that happen to be in chronological order, enumerating some of the funny, sad, and interesting beer-related news stories culled from our Beer Dorks News column just to your right (your other right). So forget about lists for the moment and enjoy these six anecdotes before having a safe, craft beer-centric New Year.
Michigan’s gov tells everyone to buy Bell’s. This is what every governor should be saying. And every mayor (of a city with a brewery), too, for that matter. So let’s say you live in Michigan. And let’s pretend that the state’s economy is shit. And instead of drinking one of the scores of phenomenal beers made by the dozens of phenomenal breweries in the state, you decide to stick with your Bud Light. Kind of like peeing in your refrigerator if you ask me.
Woman (allegedly, mind you) found passed out on the shitter in Wal-mart cradling a stolen six-pack of emptied beer. We really wish we had made that up. The only way to fully appreciate this one is with another link.
The results are in for the “Beer City USA” poll, and Portland, OR edges out Asheville, NC. Wait … what? Asheville? I remember this one because I’d never even heard of Asheville before, and North Carolina would be on the bottom half of a list of states where I’d expect to find good craft beer. I am still a little dubious about the scene there—if you were stuck in a desert of shit beer, a handful of bars with Sam Adams, Bell’s and Sierra Nevada would seem like the greatest place on Earth—but I’m also curious to check it out. Maybe a Beer Dorks roadtrip in the Gremlin is in order for the New Year … Ah, fuck it, I’d rather go to Grand Rapids.
New Bud Lime “Everybody likes it in the can” campaign. We, at BeerDorks.com, categorically do not. Although we’d probably rather get fucked in the ass than drink Bud Lime. This one basically wrote itself. What makes it even better is that the whole concept is wink-winking that drinking Bud Lime in a can is tantamount to getting buttfucked. Apparently, it’s about buttfuckability.
Tavern owner is arrested for secretly substituting Miller Lite, Budweiser, and Bud Light with Milwaukee’s Best. You may come up with your own punchline. This one is my absolute favorite, because the dude who ran the bar got found out not because anyone noticed a difference in the beer and complained, but because the fuzz got tipped off he was buying huge amounts of cheap beer and booze at the local liquor store and they followed him to his bar. So do the regulars there start buying cases of Beast instead of the expensive shit since they now officially know they can’t tell the difference? Oh, what a wacky world we’re stuck in.