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December 24, 2009
Beer Diary:
Give The Man A Beer!
If I worked all frickin’ night and no one offered me a beer, I’d probably crap in someone’s stocking.by Eddie Glick
So have you heard about this idiotic outcry about Labatt’s holiday marketing campaign? If not, I’ll sum up: In a recent commercial, Labatt’s suggests that this Christmas, we should all leave a bottle of their beer for Santa instead of milk with his cookies. This, of course, caused a huge outcry by neoprohibitionists with their usual chorus of “Think of the children!”
Allow me to counter this idiocy with a few points.
Number one. Santa Claus is an adult. And as the Governator famously said, “Milk is for babies. When you grow up, you have to drink beer.” Kris Kringle’s been slaving all night, busting his hump down sooty chimneys, crawling into dark homes of people who don’t even believe in him, and some cheap bastards are going to leave him moo juice (and I don’t mean Spotted Cow)? Why don’t they just wait for him to come tumbling down the flue and kick him square in the sack (and I don’t mean the one that holds toys)? Ungrateful bastards.
Number two. Santa is a character based on Saint Nicholas of Myra, a monk who was born around 280 A.D. Being a product of that time, and being a monk, he probably drank beer every day of his life. During the Lenten fast, monks drank big, meaty beers in lieu of food. Also, back then monasteries were often brewing centers, brewing beer to feed their monks, as well as to sell to the surrounding community to help support the running of the monastery. So not only did Santa most likely drink beer every day of his life, he may very well have actually brewed beer. Which brings me to my final point.
St. Nick is the patron saint of numerous things, one of them being—you guessed it—brewing. As in brewing beer. So we can’t even offer Santa the very product he’s a patron of? Sounds pretty fucking un-Christian, if you ask me. Wait a second, does any of this have anything to do with religion?So, give the man a beer! But Labatt’s? If I were Santa and someone left me some of that Canook swill I’d pinch a steamer in their stockings. The dude is leaving presents (assuming you’ve been nice and brewed up some good home brew during the year) so we should feel obligated to leave something pretty special. Obviously, home brew would be best, to show St. Nick the fruit of his patronage, but if you don’t have any on hand, well, I’m sure he’d be tickled pink to get his mitts on some Midwest craft beer.
Founders Curmudgeon would be a welcome, if ironic, beer under the vertical Yule log (also known as a Christmas tree). Plus, it being big and warming, a perfect pick-me-up for a long winter’s night. Then there’s Bell’s Expedition Stout, another big ass brew to warm the old man’s cockles, among other things. And I suppose you can’t go wrong with what is probably the Midwest’s best Christmas ale, Great Lakes Christmas Ale. A bomber of New Holland Dragon’s Milk would keep you off the naughty list for years to come. Or you could stick with local, hard-to-find (at least in the North Pole) selections, like Surly Bitter Brewer, Tyranena Dirty Old Man, Viking Big Swede, or Hoppin’ Frog B.O.R.I.S. The Crusher.
Have a safe, beery holiday, everybody. But, please, don’t take the beer out of Santa. Wassail!