Reviews, Commentary and Opinions on Midwest Craft Beer and Microbreweries

November 25, 2009

Beer Diary:

Holy Shit, Molson Coors Invents Tiny Fucking Bubbles

by Eddie Glick

I like my beer like my women: pale, strong, full-bodied, and extremely bitter.
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Big news in the world of brewing, and I mean BIG. Molson Coors has announced a technological breakthrough in the brewing process … well, actually this has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with the brewing process, but, in fact, the bubble-making process. It’s called Microcarbonation, also known among the uneducated as Tiny Bubbles™. You can only experience this “revolutionary” advance in science by drinking M, “the world’s only Microcarbonated lager beer.”

This beer is, well, incredible. I mean, just read this excerpt from the press release!
Created in Montreal, Molson M is brewed using Molson Coors’ innovative microcarbonization process. This process, unique to Molson M, results in a premium quality lager with 4.9% alcohol/volume and a taste that the company says “goes down well.”
I’m glad to hear that, since most beers I drink, the taste goes down only OK. And since the press release didn’t make this clear, I wanna make sure everyone out there has got this straight: micro-brewed beer has macrocarbonation while macro-brewed beer has microcarbonation.
“The injection of smaller CO2 bubbles makes it possible to preserve not only the taste of the hops but also the delicate flavours generated by the yeast during fermentation,” explained Karine Brunelle, brewer with Molson Coors.
That’s why I couldn’t taste any of the hops or the fucking lager yeast in Molson Coors beers before. The bubbles were just too damn big!

Molson Coors also assures us in their marketing missive that they make their new beer with premium quality ingredients, kind of like Hamm’s. But the company didn’t stop there:
Particular attention was devoted to the packaging of Molson M and the latter’s distinctive, more sophisticated image.
“Our aim with M is to provide today’s consumers with an easy-drinking, premium quality lager consistent with their expectations. With its unique microcarbonization process, we are convinced beyond a doubt that Molson M will satisfy the tastes of the most demanding of aficionados who expect nothing but the best,” Veronique Simard proudly went on to underscore.
Holy fuck. I could go on and ridicule virtually every sentence of this press release, but I’ve gotta get another craft beer to drink. This thing reads like an article in The Onion with much, much worse writing. And the Microcarbonation kind of reminds me of Miller Lite’s Taste Protector Cap, also known among the uneducated as the Bottle Cap™. And if Molson Coors were to somehow merge or join forces with Miller, well, I shudder at the possibilities.

Today in 1516, the Reinheitsgebot, or “German Beer Purity Law,” was adopted in Bavaria.

Drinkin’ And Thinkin’

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