Reviews, Commentary and Opinions on Midwest Craft Beer and Microbreweries

November 25, 2009

Beer Diary:

Holy Shit, Molson Coors Invents Tiny Fucking Bubbles

by Eddie Glick

I like my beer like my women: pale, strong, full-bodied, and extremely bitter.
Contact Eddie»
Big news in the world of brewing, and I mean BIG. Molson Coors has announced a technological breakthrough in the brewing process … well, actually this has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with the brewing process, but, in fact, the bubble-making process. It’s called Microcarbonation, also known among the uneducated as Tiny Bubbles™. You can only experience this “revolutionary” advance in science by drinking M, “the world’s only Microcarbonated lager beer.”

This beer is, well, incredible. I mean, just read this excerpt from the press release!
Created in Montreal, Molson M is brewed using Molson Coors’ innovative microcarbonization process. This process, unique to Molson M, results in a premium quality lager with 4.9% alcohol/volume and a taste that the company says “goes down well.”
I’m glad to hear that, since most beers I drink, the taste goes down only OK. And since the press release didn’t make this clear, I wanna make sure everyone out there has got this straight: micro-brewed beer has macrocarbonation while macro-brewed beer has microcarbonation.
“The injection of smaller CO2 bubbles makes it possible to preserve not only the taste of the hops but also the delicate flavours generated by the yeast during fermentation,” explained Karine Brunelle, brewer with Molson Coors.
That’s why I couldn’t taste any of the hops or the fucking lager yeast in Molson Coors beers before. The bubbles were just too damn big!

Molson Coors also assures us in their marketing missive that they make their new beer with premium quality ingredients, kind of like Hamm’s. But the company didn’t stop there:
Particular attention was devoted to the packaging of Molson M and the latter’s distinctive, more sophisticated image.
“Our aim with M is to provide today’s consumers with an easy-drinking, premium quality lager consistent with their expectations. With its unique microcarbonization process, we are convinced beyond a doubt that Molson M will satisfy the tastes of the most demanding of aficionados who expect nothing but the best,” Veronique Simard proudly went on to underscore.
Holy fuck. I could go on and ridicule virtually every sentence of this press release, but I’ve gotta get another craft beer to drink. This thing reads like an article in The Onion with much, much worse writing. And the Microcarbonation kind of reminds me of Miller Lite’s Taste Protector Cap, also known among the uneducated as the Bottle Cap™. And if Molson Coors were to somehow merge or join forces with Miller, well, I shudder at the possibilities.

Curse my big, elephantitistic bubbles! Life sucks.
posted by Jug | November 25, 2009, 11:20 AM
Along the lines of "triple hopped" Miller Lite ("A true pilsner beer") and AB's lack of awareness of any other beer that "costs so much" to make, much less their "beechwood aging" with bleached wood chips in a stainless vessel...
Rave on!!
posted by rings | November 25, 2009, 1:51 PM
What will they think of next. Oh wait, I'm pretty sure my forefathers, being German, pretty much perfected the art of brewing and did not need all these stupid advertising schemes to sell there beer. It's too bad people are too stupid to think for themselves and drink a beer that they like for what it is.
posted by franz | November 26, 2009, 11:17 PM
I ran across this post on Stan Hieronymus’ blog, Appellation Beer, that throws a bit of a twist to this “revolutionary” advance in beer bubbling. Stan brings up the fact that carbonation is, indeed, a flavor in beer, and that it’s been shown that carbonation can scrub out hop flavor, which actually lends a bit of credence to Molson Coors’ hideously written press release (but does NOT excuse them for that whole “a taste that goes down well” sentence).

BUT … do Tiny Bubbles™ really cause less “scrubbing away” of the hop flavor? And if it does, why bother, since Molson Coors’ beer doesn’t have any hop flavor to begin with?

(Then there’s that whole “the delicate flavours generated by the yeast” thing that we won’t get into more than this: One of the reasons to make lagers is because the yeast is basically neutral, imparting no significant aroma or flavor to the end product. If they wanted to show off yeast flavours they should make a fucking ale.)

And even if “microcarbonation” does actually impact the taste, I couldn’t care less. It’s just another way in which the big industrial brewers distance themselves from beer’s primal roots. So Molson Coors can keep its Tiny Bubbles™. I’ll have a home brew.
posted by EddieGlick | December 1, 2009, 8:24 PM
@ Eddie: the point of all these commercials by the big boys (Bud: Beer 101, Miller "pilsner," Molson "tiny bubbles," etc.) is to "dis-educate" the mass consumer into thinking they're consuming a premium or "craft" product.
While I do not dispute the tremendous professional and high quality control efforts the big guys put forth (its not easy to make a tasteless beer), the fact is that the beers are not produced for "flavor," rather to be non-offensive - no different than Kraft macaroni or Spaghatti-O's, which most folks would readily acknowledge as "low flavor" & "cheap."
posted by rings | December 2, 2009, 8:04 PM
@rings: Yes, I completely agree with you. We are without a doubt thinking alike. I just wanted to point out that there actually might be some actual technological credence to what Molson Coors is spouting off on--not just another "triple hops brewed", as you put it so perfectly, dis-education. But, yes, the whole point of the Tiny Bubbles is moot since Molson Coors is still making tasteless swill, even if they were applying some potentially meaningful technology to it.
posted by EddieGlick | December 2, 2009, 9:44 PM
it's just beer losers. big deal. these breweries produce quality "average" beer. doesn't make them bad people.

is this really your revenge for being losers in hs?

btw, i am with you. i prefer better beer. however, i see a place for a good cold coors on a summer day.
posted by ryan glenn | December 13, 2009, 8:41 PM
i r think u r right now i think about it, i am with u l33t opinin and r going to chnge 2 coors on hawt days now 2
posted by Jug | December 13, 2009, 9:13 PM

Drinkin’ And Thinkin’

Beer Dorks News

Want to know how healthy the craft beer industry is? As always, look to Portland. Craft pioneer Bridgeport announces sudden closure, adding to a growing list of PDX casualties.
Did Anheuser-Busch Chicago offer their shit beer to Cody Parkey before his missed field goal? Because that may explain why he "accidentally" biffed it.
Chicago now has the most breweries of any city in the country. Other things Chicago has the most of: murders, mobsters, and Ditkas.
Trying to spin it positive, BA releases end of year graphic. Only 5% growth in the craft sector when nearly 1000 new breweries opened? That's a collapse waiting to happen.
R.I.P. Tallgrass... another casualty as the regional/national craft beer market continues to get squeezed.
Wait... Constellation Brands cut all of the Ballast Point and Funky Buddha sales staff? They merged it with their Corona/Modelo staff?? We're SHOCKED!!!
Pizza Beer founder crying about failure of company, blames everyone else. Reminder, the beer tasted like vomit. Try having better ideas or making better products so you're not a failure.
It's Bud Light so doesn't really matter, but we expect this beer to be sitting around for awhile.
Indiana brewery to open with controversial beer names to "get the conversation going". Translation: taking advantage of serious issues for free publicity.
Hundreds of amazing beers in Wisconsin and the Cubs took back the one everyone drinks just because it exists and people have heard of it. How fitting...