Reviews, Commentary and Opinions on Midwest Craft Beer and Microbreweries

January 22, 2007

Beer Diary:

Anheuser-Busch To Import More Shit Beer Into The U.S.

The makers of Bud Light and other shit beers will be importing China’s Harbin Lager.
by Eddie Glick

I like my beer like my women: pale, strong, full-bodied, and extremely bitter.
Contact Eddie»
Harbin Lager, an “upscale” Asian import beer bought by U.S. shit-beer producer Anheuser-Busch, will be nationally available just in time to ruin your 2007 Chinese New Year party with.

This particular brand of shit beer is brewed with both Chinese-grown and “European” hops, giving it what the Anheuser-Busch people call “complexity.” In other words, the human taste buds might be able to detect some of the bitterness. Then again, maybe not. The swill’s “crisp finish” (what does that mean, exactly?) is due to its unique yeast strain and traditional aging process, which the brewer describes as “cold and long.”

In order to get the consumers’ minds off the taste of the beer, Anheuser-Busch will be selling it in 20.3-ounce (600 ml) bottles wrapped in “unique” transparent rice paper. Wow. This larger size, the company says with a completely straight face, is perfect for gullible consumers who wanna “experience the true Chinese ritual of sharing beer from a larger, restaurant-style bottle.” Hell, I feel like I’m in China already. An “elegant” silver drinking vessel, available in “select” bars and restaurants, will be provided to keep the beer as cold as possible, since that will help kill the taste.

To even further dupe people into buying it, Anheuser-Busch will throw in a very ooh-la-la “commemorative” gift box set containing a bottle of Harbin Lager wrapped in not just “unique” rice paper, but red unique rice paper. So folks can think fondly back to those good times in 2007, when they drank shit beer to ring in the Chinese New Year.

The gift set will be available in liquor shops, quickie marts and other haunts of the unemployed in “selected” markets by late January and will be supported by a whole slew of stupid ads to waste your time and clutter landfills.

Yet another promotion will target “upscale” (read: places that already sell Anheuser-Busch’s other shit products) bars and Asian restaurants. Philistine buyers will be offered a red envelope—again, wow!—with a good luck charm. I mean, this thing is just drippin’ with authentic Chinese culture, people!

Anheuser-Busch bought Harbin Brewery Group Ltd. in 2004. They also own a 50-percent stake in Grupo Modelo, Mexico’s leading shit-beer producer. Anheuser-Busch produces the brand Budweiser and the world’s shittiest beer, Bud Light. They also run some theme parks. We here at the Beer Dorks will sure as shit not try this shit import, since we still have plenty of kick-ass Midwest craft beer that we’ve yet to try. So Anheuser-Busch can shove this crap right back up their shit pipe.

You know what really sucks, is that people are going to buy this swill and then go and boast all big and bad to their friends about how they drink really exotic and rare beers imported from the far reaches of the world. Then their friends are going to buy it and further fund the disgrace that has become big brew in America. I am really getting tired of the big three encroaching in on everything that is good about beer. If they want to keep making crap beer and selling it to the easily led cattle and tell them that it is good then so be it. But for gods sake leave the making of good beer up to the people who really care about it. The people that arn't in it for the money, the breweries that are barely scraping by. Maybe it wouldn't be so dificult to make it in the craft beer industry if the macros stayed out of it. As for me I am now on a personal mission against anything associated with the big three. I know that will be harder and harder now because the are dipping their money grubbing hands further and further into the craft beer industry every day. But it is my goal to convert as many people as I can away from the crap that is sold in this country as "Good" beer. If I can make a difference in just one persons life a week then I feel that I have succeded. Long live the micros and homebrewers, you should do it because you love it, not because you are going to get rich off of it.
posted by Rob | January 24, 2007, 12:48 PM
Anheuser-Busch shouldn't try to broaden their horizons and should continue to concentrate on what they do best (making commercials).

Bring back Ladies Night but let the Frogs rot with Spuds McKenzie!
posted by Jug Dunnigan | January 31, 2007, 9:18 AM
I was going to disagree with your assertion that Bud Light is the world's shittiest beer by claiming it would have to be Coors Light. Then I stopped and thought for a second and realized you were right. For the record, Coors Light is the world's shittiest water with a subtle hint of beer flavor.
posted by hooky | February 12, 2007, 1:28 PM

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