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May 11, 2009
Beer Issues:
The Dorks Do Declare
The Beer Dorks put their John Hancocks on the Declaration of Beer Independence in honor of American Craft Beer Week.by Eddie Glick
Happy American Craft Beer Week, everybody! To kick things off this week, the Dorks decided to slap their signatures on the Brewers’ Association’s Declaration of Beer Independence for all the world to see. This important historical document codifies some of the core beliefs anyone who loves great craft beer should hold. Now, we aren’t lawyers (although Baby-Boy argues like he is one), but we are beer lovers, so we’ll interpret some of the more complex legalize you’ll encounter in this document into simple-to-understand, everyday language.
Paragraph 1: The American craft beer scene right now is awesome, but don’t take it for granted. Revel in it.We hope that helps clarify this keystone document in this country’s history. Now that’ll be $3,026.54 for legal services rendered.
Paragraph 2: Beer is more than fermented sugar in a glass. It’s about culture and individualism. Those who industrialize and commoditize it are assholes.
Paragraph 3, Sentence 1: Shit beer producers are trying to trick us into handing our hard-earned money over for their shit products using slick marketing tactics and sleazy tricks. So pay attention to who brewed your beer. Blue Moon is made by MillerCoors; Organic Wild Hop Lager, Shock Top Belgian White, Landshark Lager, Sun Dog Amber Wheat, Beach Bum Blonde, and several other fake brands are made by Anheuser-Busch. There are, literally, hundreds of real craft beers out there that taste significantly better than the shit put out by these foreign-owned faceless conglomerates, so don’t put your money toward this crap.
Paragraph 3, Sentence 2: Shit beer producers use laws that exist solely for their benefit to muscle small craft brewers out of their territory. Plus, they use sometimes illegal tactics to make sure their faceless swill gets preferential treatment by bars, restaurants, and retailers. Bitch about this to everyone within earshot until these bullshit laws get changed.
Paragraph 4: Buying local is good for your economy. It promotes craftmanship and the creation of quality products, and strengthens our communities.
Paragraph 5: Don’t get drunk and act like an asshole or, worse, commit a crime (like drunk driving) when you’re drinking craft beer. Only do these things when you drink wine.
