BeerDorks.com: Reviews, Commentary and Opinions on Midwest Craft Beer and Microbreweries

 
May 11, 2009

Beer Issues:

The Dorks Do Declare

The Beer Dorks put their John Hancocks on the Declaration of Beer Independence in honor of American Craft Beer Week.
by Eddie Glick

I like my beer like my women: pale, strong, full-bodied, and extremely bitter.
Contact Eddie»
Happy American Craft Beer Week, everybody! To kick things off this week, the Dorks decided to slap their signatures on the Brewers’ Association’s Declaration of Beer Independence for all the world to see. This important historical document codifies some of the core beliefs anyone who loves great craft beer should hold. Now, we aren’t lawyers (although Baby-Boy argues like he is one), but we are beer lovers, so we’ll interpret some of the more complex legalize you’ll encounter in this document into simple-to-understand, everyday language.
Paragraph 1: The American craft beer scene right now is awesome, but don’t take it for granted. Revel in it.

Paragraph 2: Beer is more than fermented sugar in a glass. It’s about culture and individualism. Those who industrialize and commoditize it are assholes.

Paragraph 3, Sentence 1: Shit beer producers are trying to trick us into handing our hard-earned money over for their shit products using slick marketing tactics and sleazy tricks. So pay attention to who brewed your beer. Blue Moon is made by MillerCoors; Organic Wild Hop Lager, Shock Top Belgian White, Landshark Lager, Sun Dog Amber Wheat, Beach Bum Blonde, and several other fake brands are made by Anheuser-Busch. There are, literally, hundreds of real craft beers out there that taste significantly better than the shit put out by these foreign-owned faceless conglomerates, so don’t put your money toward this crap.

Paragraph 3, Sentence 2: Shit beer producers use laws that exist solely for their benefit to muscle small craft brewers out of their territory. Plus, they use sometimes illegal tactics to make sure their faceless swill gets preferential treatment by bars, restaurants, and retailers. Bitch about this to everyone within earshot until these bullshit laws get changed.

Paragraph 4: Buying local is good for your economy. It promotes craftmanship and the creation of quality products, and strengthens our communities.

Paragraph 5: Don’t get drunk and act like an asshole or, worse, commit a crime (like drunk driving) when you’re drinking craft beer. Only do these things when you drink wine.
We hope that helps clarify this keystone document in this country’s history. Now that’ll be $3,026.54 for legal services rendered.







Comments
Not that I ever did this: What if you ALLEGEDLY accidently drank a candle instead of your craft beer. Does this violate paragraph 5?
posted by Kaitlyn | May 14, 2009, 10:07 PM
I'd say no... it's not asshole behavior, unless you're a member of the candle's family. And I'd consider it more humorous than criminal. I think you're o.k.
posted by Nigel | May 14, 2009, 11:34 PM
Kaitlyn, was it ALLEGED that it was accidental, or ALLEGED that you drank it? Who do you think you are, anyway, Homer Simpson?
posted by EddieGlick | May 15, 2009, 7:36 PM

Drinkin’ And Thinkin’

Beer Dorks News

Want to know how healthy the craft beer industry is? As always, look to Portland. Craft pioneer Bridgeport announces sudden closure, adding to a growing list of PDX casualties.
Did Anheuser-Busch Chicago offer their shit beer to Cody Parkey before his missed field goal? Because that may explain why he "accidentally" biffed it.
Chicago now has the most breweries of any city in the country. Other things Chicago has the most of: murders, mobsters, and Ditkas.
Trying to spin it positive, BA releases end of year graphic. Only 5% growth in the craft sector when nearly 1000 new breweries opened? That's a collapse waiting to happen.
R.I.P. Tallgrass... another casualty as the regional/national craft beer market continues to get squeezed.
Wait... Constellation Brands cut all of the Ballast Point and Funky Buddha sales staff? They merged it with their Corona/Modelo staff?? We're SHOCKED!!!
Pizza Beer founder crying about failure of company, blames everyone else. Reminder, the beer tasted like vomit. Try having better ideas or making better products so you're not a failure.
It's Bud Light so doesn't really matter, but we expect this beer to be sitting around for awhile.
Indiana brewery to open with controversial beer names to "get the conversation going". Translation: taking advantage of serious issues for free publicity.
Hundreds of amazing beers in Wisconsin and the Cubs took back the one everyone drinks just because it exists and people have heard of it. How fitting...